Free Money Please

Dad

Hey Dad, wouldn't you know it? All those stocks I bought aren't working out and I'm in a tough spot for the rest of the semester. Maybe cybernetically enhanced hot-dog buns weren't the best investment, but I started investing like you said I should, right? I know they'll turn around eventually; the market just isn't ready for them right now. Do you think I could borrow a few thousand dollars, just until they come around? I'll pay you back with interest!

Think about it Papá: your boy, your son, alone, hungry, shivering on the city streets. A sad violin melody can be heard faintly under the blizzard winds as they howl between the skyscrapers. In his sorrow, he sheds a single tear that freezes his eye shut so now he's dumb, poor AND blind! Oh the tragedy! He asks strangers walking by if they could spare a single hot dog, for he has many technologically advanced buns, but nothing to put in them. They respond, "What, do you not have a father who loves you? Does your father not care?" And then they spit on him a little bit.

The violin melody crescendos and he falls into the snow. As hypothermia begins to claim him he turns toward the camera and whispers weakly, "Why father... Why have you forsaken me..." and what little remains of the life in his eyes fades away. He does that subtle sort of movie death where the eyes and head just kind of roll over to the side a bit, and even though you can see the actor's chest rising slightly you give him the benefit of the doubt because it's not like you could do any better.

Is this what you want Pater? IS IT!? DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!? WHY DON'T YOU  LOVE ME!?!?

Thank you in advance!
Love,
Your Dead Son.


Friend

Look man, that investment isn't panning out.  There's still half a semester left and I'm broke thanks to your sage advice. Yeah, yeah, I  know it'll come around eventually, but I can't buy food with a brokerage account in the red. If you ever want me to listen to your suggestions again, you need to help me out.  Just give me a few hundred bucks to hold me over until my Dad helps me out. No, I know he will. He's a wealthy theater-loving business tycoon for the purposes of this assignment and I wrote him a Dickens-poem level sob story. What do you mean Dickens wrote prose? I think I know my nineteenth-century English literature dude. Look, just help me out and I won't tell your girlfriend about that time we got too drunk playing Mario Kart and then couldn't look each other in the eye for a few days.


Bank

I'd like to apply for a loan. I've discovered the investment opportunity of a lifetime! Think about it, we all love hot dogs, but what don't we love about hot dogs? The boring, dry, lifeless buns! What if our hot dogs were delivered plate-to-mouth not by a lump of dumb old wheat, but by LASER WHEAT.

Cybernetically enhanced hot dog buns offer a luxurious garbage-eating experience to the wealthy customer with a shameless pallet. These buns will dodge pay your taxes, write thank-you notes to friends, blare Baroque music all the way down and even glow a little bit because of the radiation X-factor! A titanium exterior ensures the safety of your questionably sourced meat-tube, and guarantees a mouthful of shattered teeth, or your money back!

So anyway, I need a small loan of $30,000 to invest in my friend's startup. Given the brilliance of this idea, I will undoubtedly be able to pay you back in five years, that is if I don't own this bank by then!